I’m home and I need to write this now before I get to tomorrow and don’t because it seems fucking stupid.
Five years ago I lost my mum, I sabotaged a relationship by myself, one that I’ve not long managed to get over and I fell into a circle of depression that at one point genuinely seemed impossible to get out of. The night would blend into morning and that was my time to slee and miss the day, even though I wanted nothing more than to have the self will to get out of bed and see my friends. I missed out on SO much, I missed out on new friendships and I just fucked off.
The last two years have shown me that no matter how bad it gets, even at the darkest time in which you contemplate silly things that it gets better. It gets more than better, it becomes 99 percent fixed. You’ll still have your bad days, but they’re important because they make the good ones seem that much more important.
I’ve had one of the most inspiring days of my life, I put on a thirteen act show in the middle of Cardiff that stayed reasonably well attended for the entire day. What I’m trying to say is that it wasn’t complete shit.
I have endless thanks to give to everyone who turned up, everyone involved in making the day run as smoothly as possible, the bands who gave up their time and their day to watch people play music.
To some people it’d be just another show, to me it represents the end of the worst time of my life. Good bloody night.
I had a dream last night, it was one of those that can leave me feeling fucking incredible and incredibly sad. Essentially I was back at my childhood house and my Mum was there looking after Winnie. Winnie was a lady who lived across the road from us at the time, my Mum was her carer before Winnie passed away. Anyway, I was walking through my house and as soon as I saw my mum there I burst into tears, the feeling was so fucking vivid as if I genuinely felt it. They weren’t sad tears but happy ones at being able to see her again, I talked to her and hearing her voice again, although it was a dream was beyond incredible. I asked for her phone number so I could call her whenever I wanted. She gave me the number and I told her I loved her and that I miss her, and she said the same back. Then I woke up
I’ve had these types of dreams before, they fuck with your emotions so much, but after this one, I feel okay and in all honesty if I could see her every night when I sleep the feelings after would be totally worth it. I miss her more than anything.
I came here looking for a fight.
I’m 26, all the people I graduated with all have kids, all have wives, all have people who care if they come home at night. Well Jesus Christ, Did I fuck up?”
Facebook sucks, so do I.
I was browsing through Facebook yesterday evening, for what felt like the thousandth time that day when all of a sudden I came across something in my news feed that told me it just had to go. I was being shown that another completely random page on the site had been talking about the subject of a page I’d liked myself. It made me realise that my facebook was essentially made up of people and things I didn’t really care about, inviting me to events I didn’t care about and sharing things I didn’t care about and I’m one hundred percent sure that my likes and shares and statuses and invites were viewed in exactly the same manner too.
In the right hands, Facebook can obviously be an incredibly useful tool, for promoters, websites and bands alike, the service it offers is beyond anything else out there at the moment but I had customized my page beyond repair, for the ten percent or so I was actually using it for something worthwhile (chatting with friends, Punktastic stuff) the other ninety percent was me being a nosy cunt, looking at things that didn’t enhance anything I do at all, and the thing is, I spent a lot of my time doing just that. Looking at absolutely nothing, it’s surprising how draining that can actually be. It speaks volumes that the first thing I did when I opened up my laptop after work was press ‘fa’ on my address bar and clicking to facebook before remembering I had deactivated it yesterday. To mindlessly go to something I don’t enjoy, proved me right in my decision to fuck Facebook off.
It’s obviously my fault for letting myself get sucked into Facebook too much in the first place. I absolutely suck but so does Facebook for turning into such a shitty, money orientated machine, I’m not naive enough to think the site wasn’t made with the intention of making money, but they’ve turned something great into an absolute mess of a website.
i dont know
you know when you just feel stuck in a rut, and you’re not sure how to get out? and then you’re at a point where it feels like you should be doing something proper with your life, like finding someone that you could be planning on spending the rest of your life with and all you’re actually doing is writing a message like this on tumblr of all fucking places because you don’t particularly want anybody to take notice you just want to rant. FUCK.
i am 23 and i feel like 53, what the hell is wrong with me?
I missed out on tickets to the London Fall Out Boy show today and I’m not feeling too great.
It’s fucking stupid that I feel like this about what is essentially now a pop band, but all in all, Fall Out Boy are a band who defined my late teens and some pretty difficult times I went through. Mostly during Infinity On High, which is now probably my favourite ever album simply because it reminds me of the last Christmas I had before my mum passed away and because a song on that album (The Afterlife of the party) is the last song I listened to while with my mum on a train to Cardiff. It holds a lot of really fucking awesome memories for me.
Fall Out Boy are also a band who introduced me to some of the most incredible people I know and one particular person became one of my best friends through Fall Out Boy, and I know she wasn’t able to get a ticket either.
We always talked about how great and incredible a FOB reunion would be when they eventually got their shit together and started making music again. I never imagined I’d get to see them in a 400 cap venue again. I’ll be honest I am pretty devastated that I’ve not managed to get a ticket„ it sounds lame as fuck but I am. I’m still holding out hope that I can get a ticket somehow, but I don’t know.